Sunday, August 20, 2017

MULBERRY STREET (2006)

Filmed with what looks to be a camera found at the bottom of a swamp, MULBERRY STREET is the yawn-inducing tale of the residents of a crappy NYC apartment building during a city-wide ratpire* attack.  That could be exciting, except for the fact...the script fucking sucks.  First off, the intro/character build-up stuff takes forever and is slow as fuck.  A person of normal intelligence would bail on this turkey in like 5 minutes, but if, for whatever reason (like you were tied to a chair), you did stick around until the action starts...your only reward is poorly choreographed action scenes, more dim green-coloured lighting than Kermit the Frog's sex dungeon and a shit ending.

YouTube-level special effects, jerky camera movements, unnecessarily grainy picture, zero gore, zero tits, zero scares, lame acting...MULBERRY STREET fucking blows.  I could go on, but I don't even give a fuck.

Outside of laughing at it with friends, I can't think of a single reason at all to watch MULBERRY STREET.  It's boring piece of fuck movie that made me rage so much that my friend was clutching his sides laughing.  Motherfucker had me watch it twice just so he could listen to me bitching.  That ain't cool.

* the word "ratpire" is never used in the film.  I just made that shit up.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

BRONIES: THE EXTREMELY UNEXPECTED ADULT FANS OF MY LITTLE PONY (2012)

As somebody who knows very little about Brony culture or "My Little Pony", I was happy when I saw a documentary called BRONIES on the shelf at the video store.  I love learning about new stuff and I was hoping for a solid introduction into Bronydom.  Unfortunately, not only does BRONIES: THE EXTREMELY UNEXPECTED ADULT FANS OF MY LITTLE PONY have a horrible name, it's also so one-sided that it comes across more like a recruitment film than a honest documentary.  I like feel-good stories, but I also like documentaries that show all sides of a subject, both good and bad.  And one simple Google Search of "brony clop" will show you that not everything is 20% cooler in the Brony universe.

As a mega-upbeat propaganda piece, B:TEUAFOMLP is a fun watch.  It quickly introduces a few My Little Pony fans from different walks of life and different countries.  One guy talks about how he was attacked at a gas station (in his small town) due to the MLP stickers on his car.  Others talk about some of the MLP-based things they create (merch, a laser show, music).  Another is younger and his father doesn't seem to approve of his son being a Brony.  Another guy has Asperger's and MLP brings him out of his shell.  They all travel to different Bronycons and the rest of the film is just them being happy.  I enjoyed watching these people (and the other con attendees) having a good time, but by the end, the constant positivity started to get old.  Then again, I'm a grumpy fuck.

B:TEUAFOMLP might be the happy happy joy joy version of reality, but it's still an entertaining watch.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a 5 then bump it up by 20% to a 6. Brohoof, motherfuckers!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE (1977)

MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE is what we, the highly-educated professionals in the movie review biz, call "a stinky piece of motherfucking shit".

A college professor (who specializes in the occult) and his family are attacked at home by four of his students.  His wife and children die during the attack, but the professor stubbornly clings to life.  While drifting in and out of consciousness in the hospital, he summons an ancient vengeance demon called "Morak The Avenger" to get revenge on the men who murdered his family.  That sounds like an interesting idea, but unfortunately the story is told with excitement of "The Chevy Chase Show", the acting skills of an infomercial and nearly zero violence.  

Also, there wasn't any meat cleavers...ever!  That doesn't even make sense!  With a title like MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE (or HOLLYWOOD MEAT CLEAVER MASSACRE as it says on my copy) you would, understandably, expect some meat cleaver action, but you would be disappointed.  And disappointed I was.  Not just in the lack of meat cleaver murders, but the fact the film was really slow and had zero payoff.  The most interesting thing about MM is the completely out of place Christopher Lee scenes.  Lee bookends the film with two short clips (one at the beginning and one at the end) where all he does is sit in a 70's-looking office and spout off weird stuff about the supernatural.  It is entertaining, but it has nothing to do with the film.

Slow pace, one topless scene, a quick glimpse of Sunset Blvd ("The Rocky Horror Picture Show" was playing at The Roxy Theatre), boring dream scenes, terrible lighting, forgettable ending.

As it often is with these low-budget and relatively obscure films, I'm way more interested in the story behind the camera than the boring one onscreen.  With MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE there's rumors that Ed Wood himself had something to do with the making of it!  I don't have an opinion on this, but it is humorous to think about.  It still doesn't make it worth watching.